Lord of the Rings (abridged version)

“Here we all are and here is the Ring,” said Gandalf, “but we have not yet come any nearer to our purpose. What shall we do with it?”

“Would Tom Bombadil not take the ring and keep it within the bounds he has set, forever harmless?” asked Erestor.

“NO,” said Gandalf, “Not willingly. And he would soon forget it, or most likely throw it away.”

“Power to defy our enemy is not in him,” said Galdor, “What power still remains lies with us, here in Imladris, or with Cirdan in the Havens, or in Lorien.”

“I have not the strength,” said Elrond, “Neither have they”.

“Then let us cast it into the deeps,” said Glorfindel, “ In the sea it would be safe.”

“Not safe forever,” said Gandalf, “We should seek a final end to this menace.”

“Now at last we must take a hard road, a road unforeseen,” said Elrond, “There lies our hope, if hope it be. To walk into peril – to Mordor. We must send the ring to the Fire.”

Boromir stirred, fingering his great horn and frowning.

“I do not understand all this,” he said, “Why should we not think that the great ring has come into our hands to serve us in the very hour of our need? Wielding it the Free Lords of the Free may surely defeat the enemy.”

“Alas, no,” said Elrond, “We cannot use the Ruling Ring. It belongs to Sauron and was made by him alone and is altogether evil. I will not take the ring to wield it.”

“Nor I,” said Gandalf.

“Thus we return once more to the destroying of the ring,” said Erestor, “And yet come no nearer.”

“The road must be trod, but it will be very hard,” said Elrond. And neither strength nor wisdom will carry us very far upon it. This quest may be attempted by the weak with as much hope as the strong.”

The noon-bell rang. Still no one spoke. Frodo glanced at all the faces, but they were not turned to him. All the council sat with downcast eyes, as if in deep thought.

“Excuse me,” he said at length.

Elrond raised his eyes and looked at him, and Frodo felt his heart pierced by the sudden keenness of the glance.

“Are you all completely thick?” asked Frodo. Outraged and angry faces surrounded him amongst the council of the mighty and wise.

“Look, you cretins,” went on Frodo, “If you think I’m going to walk all the way to Mordor with this bloody thing, you can just forget it. All you need to do is summon Gwaihir the Windlord, Greatest of all the Eagles of the North, give him the ring and tell him to drop it in the crack of Mount Doom. And before you can say “Oops I never thought of that”, the ring will be destroyed, Sauron will be comprehensively stuffed and we can all have a nice dinner, a few drinks and a good night’s kip.”

“By the beard of Thorin Oakenshield himself, I think the halfling has it!” cried Gloin.

“Not all giants are extremely large,” noted Aragorn enigmatically.

“And then you can all come to Gondor for a massive party,” suggested Boromir, fingering his great horn excitedly.

And so it came to pass.